6. Surrender and Trust

Only publishing this on July 16th, 2018 did I realize there is a mustard seed in the middle.

Only publishing this on July 16th, 2018 did I realize there is a mustard seed in the middle.

Last year was truly a transformative year that began with me quitting my day job to help a NY Times bestselling author edit his book. When I finished, I took off to San Miguel de Allende, Mexico for two-and-half months to finish my own book. There, thanks to my friend Linda, I fell into an opportunity to help a Fortune 500 executive develop a book proposal. For the first eight months of the year, every day I was living my truth, and by living in that energy, every day I was excited about my life. I was in a constant state of awe and wonder at the opportunities that were flowing to me.

In August, I came back from Mexico to my life in Seattle and fell into a ‘WTF am I doing with my life’ moment, and those moments turned into more than a season. I began a very subtle slide in the opposite direction of the energy of my truth because I was living in fear and lack. Sitting here writing this on January 8, 2018, I can see how lack, fear, and the correlating contraction affected my holiday with my family, as well as my relationship.

My analytical mind wants to deconstruct what changed, but the reality of the situation is that my energy changed. Our energy is our internal state of being, and that state of being affects our external reality. It’s a very simple equation when you break it down: who we are internally is reflected back to us in the external world.

What I know about the state of being I’ve been living in is that it is ruled by fear, and when you live in fear, you desperately try to control and predict outcomes. For months I've had my life in a vice grip, which has not allowed it to breath and expand. Instead, my metaphorical life has been choking and grasping for air. And so I decided this past Sunday that I have to let go, surrender, and trust. Change only happens in the present moment, so I had to find a way to be who I want to be in the future in this present moment.

But what does it mean to surrender and trust? In the most simplistic terms, I believe it means to allow—to cease controlling and predicting so that the unknown can appear, after all, if you don’t allow room for the unknown, then you are living each day as the previous.

You would think I would have this down by now since it’s such a large part of what my book is about, but the truth is I don’t. Life is a series of expansion and contractions, and there’s learnings in each of these movements if we are living in awareness.

Found January 7th, 2018

Found January 7th, 2018

Yesterday was the first day of living in this new space of surrender and trust. I meditated twice for more than an hour each time on the energy of who I want to be in the future. Despite occasionally feeling the anxiety of fear move up from my stomach into my heart, I managed it by telling myself that what I am seeking is seeking me. I believe if you are living in your truth, then synchronicities and serendipities appear. This is feedback from the universe that you are in the right place at the right time.

It just so happened that yesterday I decided to roll a bunch of loose change. I was on the phone and sorting through the coins when I found one that was an odd size, and so I picked it up with curiosity to observe it more closely. On one side of the coin read, “With faith, all things are possible.” On the other side, with a mustard seed in the center, it read, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing shall be impossible for you.” With awe and wonder I held the coin in my hand, then brought it to my heart.

I had never seen this coin before and I have no idea where it came from...but now I keep it next to my bed as a reminder.

Written January 8, 2018