1. Breakdowns and Breakthroughs


I had a damn-near breakdown yesterday.

Not the kind that would find me in a psychiatric ward. This one was more of a tortured, anguished breakdown—an internal collapse—a controlled demolition that took with it the support structures upon which I have placed not only trust and faith in myself, but trust and faith in what at my best I view as a magical, mystical, and benevolent universe. 

You see, I’m at the intersection of a 26-year-old dream, and depending on how you cut it, for the last 5-6 years I’ve been laboring to actualize it. The culmination of this intersection is my life’s work, a fictionalized story of a journey I took after my mother passed away. In it, I attempt to express what I’ve been trying to articulate since I was 17-years old—an honest account of my human experience, as well as my understanding of the heart, the soul, love, loss, suffering, and the power of transcendence that occurs through transformation.

The problem, however, is this: For weeks now—if not months—I’ve been wrestling with and vacillating between the idea of self-publishing versus traditional publishing. I’ve been standing in the same place where two roads have diverged in the wood, and I—I keep looking for assurances, signs, and signals outside of me to help me make the ‘correct’ decision. I’m right at the finish line of this journey (or the start of a new one depending on how you frame the narrative), and yet I’ve been staring at this fork in the road, paralyzed by what at times has been disabling fear, and at other times crippling uncertainty.

Despite trying my damnedest to live a traditional life—to fit into the mythical 9-5 world where health benefits are provided and 401k contributions are matched—I’ve never been one to do things the traditional way. Why start now? So after much consternation, self-doubt, and anxiety, I’ve elected to bypass the gatekeepers and pursue the unknown path of self-publishing.

What you are reading here is the start of that journey to bring my book, A Curious Year in the Great Vivarium Experiment, into the world—a place where once it’s unleased, it’s no longer mine, and that too arouses a sense of fear and uncertainty. I think I have two things going for me, however: it seems like most great ideas in life start with either to-do lists or a moment of serendipity. Fortunately for me, this one started with a little bit of both. So with that said, here’s the start of my to-do list.

  • Start thinking like a businessman and entrepreneur.
  • Think about collaborations.

Fuck…for me that entrepreneur stuff is some other-side-of-the-brain thinkin’.

In this blog we’re either gonna learn a lot about a little, or a little about a lot, but mark my words…we’ll learn sumthin’.

~ Tim

October 18th, 2017